A Real Burglar
by thetravelinglemon
Summary: 'A Grocer indeed' Thought Bilbo, as he sunk into sleep. 'They will know their mistake.'


**This story was inspired by the fic 'Something to steal' on AO3 (I'm not going to bother trying to put the web address in: find it yourself, or PM me if you're really desperate to read it but can't find it).**

**I hope you'll enjoy it**

...

"He looks more like a grocer than a burglar."

That's what Thorin had said, mere hours ago, only minutes after stepping over Bilbo's threshold.

Bilbo chuckled to himself as he turned over in bed. Grocer indeed! Though, he supposed, that was probably what most other people thought too.

Unbeknown to all (except, it would seem, to Gandalf) Bilbo was a real burglar, or _had_ been, at any rate.

He prided himself on being a very honest burglar (which, yes, sounds like a complete contradiction, but all the same); he never stole from those who were hard-working and honest, nor did he take much from those he did steal from. He took from those who insulted him, who insulted others, hobbits who were rude, unkind, ungenerous and had too much wealth; Bilbo took whatever he deemed proportionate to the crime. Sometimes it would be a copper coin, or a pipe (and then the tobacco to go in it), or a little food. Once he stole someone's post, and another time, he took someone's waistcoat. He would frequently take things that were unused and forgotten about by their owners, hence the knick-knacks throughout Bag End.

Thus he had managed so far, what with his family wealth, and small but frequent burglary, to live a life of leisure, without need for a job.

_A Grocer indeed!_ Thought Bilbo, as he sunk into sleep. _They will know their mistake._

...

The following night, as they made camp and prepared food, Bombur found one of his spoons missing.

"Bofur? Have you taken my spoon?"

"Why would I want your spoon?"

"Well it's not here."

"You've lost it then! You probably left it at the burglar's house."

Bombur grumbled an objection, which Bofur ignored. The thief himself found it hard not to burst into laughter at the irony of Bofur's last sentence.

...

The following morning, Fili noticed he was missing a bead from his braids. He frowned, examined it and the ones surrounding it, then examining the ground around where he stood, before he simply shrugged, pulled out a small pouch, and took out a new one.

...

That evening, Balin found himself short in supplies. He could not work out what was missing, until he counted the apples and saw that they were one short; he was relieved that they'd brought an extra one, so he didn't have to explain to someone why everyone else had an apple and they did not.

...

The next morning, Gloin found he was missing a bead from his braided beard. In the same way as Fili, he examined it, looked about him, and sighed before opening a small pouch to take out a new one and fasten it in.

...

Bilbo, ever the clever thief, stole nothing the next day, but rather observed to see if he, or anyone at all, was suspected of theft by the dwarves, but especially by Gandalf. The wizard appeared to have an inkling of what was going on, but he said nothing.

...

The following morning, Dori lost a bead from his beard. It would seem that this was a common occurrence to him since, without once glancing at what he was doing, he felt the lack of bead, acquired a new one from a small pouch, and attached it.

...

The morning after that, Dwalin lost a bead. He grumbled to himself in a language Bilbo didn't understand, while taking out his own little pouch and taking a bead from it, but trying to appear like he was actually just checking the saddle was secure.

...

Then, that evening, Bifur couldn't find one of his gloves anywhere he searched: it was not in his pack, on his bedroll, or on the ground. He simply grunted, annoyed, and mentioned it to no-one

...

About midday the following day, Oin suddenly didn't have his ear trumpet. He searched where he could, stopping to ask Gandalf if he had seen it anywhere, but the poor deaf dwarf couldn't hear the wizard's reply anyway.

...

Next, it was Nori's turn to lose a bead from his beard. He noticed this while on the last watch of the night, so was able to replace it without anyone seeing and calling him careless.

...

Then, the day after, Kili misplaced one of his arrows, and Ori, a small bottle of ointment, both within about an hour of each other. They told no-one, not wanting to anger Thorin, but the dwarf king saw them searching, and began to view all those of his company with a suspicious eye.

...

Bilbo, ever cautious and sensible, waited four days before he dared steal anything from Thorin. When he did, the little hobbit surprised himself by daring to take both Thorin's rings. He could only hope, as he lay on his bedroll that night, that Thorin would not be _too _angry about the whole thing.

...

The thief awoke to a shouting next morning.

"By Durin, one of you is a thief! Do you think I haven't noticed! And now you've had the nerve to take my signet and ancestral rings from my fingers while I slept!" And that's all that Bilbo understood, for the enraged Dwarf broke off, and began to shout and curse in Khuzdul, which Bilbo could not make out at all, even if he tried. The next thing he understood was Thorin questioning his nephews. "Fili, Kili, was it you? Did you do this, thinking it a joke? Thinking I wouldn't whip you when I found out? Just because you're kin?!"

"No uncle!"

"It wasn't us!" protested the brothers.

This was a moment of pure luck for Bilbo, since Fili and Kili were standing by the ponies at the edge of the camp, and everyone was facing them. Where the luck came in, was that Thorin's bedroll was the opposite side of the camp, behind everyone's backs. The hobbit took the opportunity to scamper over, place all of his stolen goods in a neat pile on Thorin's bedroll, and return to his position standing beside Ori without anyone noticing. Well, it would be untrue to say that _no-one_ noticed: the ever watchful Gandalf saw everything, and it made him smile.

Thorin swore again in Khuzdul, before stamping back to his bedroll. When he reached there, he stopped dead, causing all eyes in the group to slowly turn towards their leader.

"Who has put these here?" Thorin asked, his voice remaining steady as he picked up the stolen goods and held them out for others to see. Bilbo, in his cleverness, had thought to put a belonging of his own with all the others, so he would not be the only one left beside Gandalf, so his neckerchief was there along with the other things.

A minute past as Thorin stood there holding the items. He asked again, his voice rising. "Who has put these here?"

Bilbo took this is his cue to speak up. "I did."

All the dwarves stared at him in amazement (well, all except Oin, who couldn't hear Bilbo's quiet voice without his ear trumpet).

"You, laddie?" Balin frowned.

"Yes."

"Bilbo?" Kili's eyes were wide.

Bilbo nodded.

"You, hobbit?" Dwalin's frown was worse than his brother's.

"Yes."

"Burglar," spoke Thorin, at last, "why did you steal from us?"

Gandalf smiled. "I would rather think the clue is in the title you have given him, or rather, one he gave himself many summers ago."

Bilbo stared at his feet.

Thorin took a few steps until he stood in front of the hobbit. "Answer, thief, why did you steal from us?"

Bilbo lifted his head to defiantly stare into Thorin's eyes. "To prove to everyone that I am capable of burglary, that I am not a grocer, and am able to do the job I have been given. I returned everything because I like to think I am an honest burglar, and I hope that we can be friends."

There was a moment's pause.

Then, there was a chuckle, and all eyes fixed on Balin in his merriment. "Well laddie, in all the summers I've seen, I've never once heard of an honest burglar."

The other members of the company, except Thorin, began to laugh too. They continued to laugh as they passed out the stolen belongings among them.

Thorin remained where he was, gazing at the rings, before slipping them on and looking up at Bilbo.

"It seems that you are, indeed, a talented thief, and not a grocer."

Bilbo inclined his head, unsure what to say.

A second of silence passed, then "we need to be moving on; gather your packs and bedrolls, you can look at your restored belongings while riding."

And that was, more or less, that.

Except that, well, it wasn't really. Because sometimes Bilbo still took something; if someone had upset him, or he wanted to play a joke on them, then something would go missing, and they wouldn't get it back until they had guessed how Bilbo had stolen it.

Bilbo didn't steal from Thorin again, but it was clear that the dwarf held a newfound respect for him as a burglar rather than just the little hobbit he appeared to be.


End file.
